Transcending: Living With What Has Changed

Somewhere along the way, many of us picked up the idea that grief has a finish line.

That eventually we will accept what happened.

Move on.

Find closure.

Heal.

Get back to normal.

Transcending challenges that idea.

In the Transcending Model of Grief and Loss, Transcending is not the final destination waiting at the end of grief.

It isn't a place where pain disappears.

It isn't acceptance dressed up in different language.

And it isn't evidence that someone has successfully completed the other spaces.

Transcending is a verb.

It is active, ongoing, and deeply personal.

It describes the ways we continue to live while incorporating loss into a life that has been changed by it.

That distinction matters.

There are losses we would never choose, never consider good, and never become grateful happened.

Continuing to live does not require us to turn those experiences into something positive.

It also doesn't require forgetting, letting go, or leaving behind the person, relationship, identity, future, or experience that mattered.

Instead, Transcending makes room for both/and.

I can miss someone and experience joy.

I can wish something had never happened and still build a meaningful life.

I can carry grief and experience connection.

I can remember who I was and continue discovering who I am.

I can be changed by a loss without allowing that loss to become the entirety of who I am.

These things don't cancel one another out.

They coexist.

That is part of what makes Transcending different from the idea of "moving on."

We aren't necessarily moving away from grief.

We are learning how grief exists alongside everything else that makes up a life.

Sometimes that looks profound. Meaning changes. Relationships deepen. Priorities shift. Someone discovers a part of themselves they hadn't known before.

Sometimes it looks completely ordinary.

You make dinner.

You laugh.

You remember.

You say their name.

You go to work.

You take a trip.

You have a difficult day.

You experience something beautiful and wish someone were there to see it.

You continue living.

And grief comes with you.

There may also be moments when a loss becomes more present again. An anniversary. A milestone. A new role. Another loss. A relationship. A birthday. A song. A smell. A completely ordinary Tuesday. Experiencing grief again does not mean Transcending has stopped or failed.

It means the relationship between the loss and the life around it continues to change. That is why Transcending has no finish line. It is not about becoming the person you were before the loss. And it isn't about becoming a permanently "better" person because of what happened.

It is about continuing to live as the person you are now - with the loss incorporated into your story, but never required to become the whole story.

Perhaps that is the simplest way to understand Transcending:

The loss remains part of us, and life continues to become more than the loss.

Griefly Speaking: A Reflective Workbook to Understand How Grief and Loss Shape Your Life offers space to explore what living with loss looks like for you, including the experiences, relationships, identities, and ways of engaging with grief that continue to change over time.

Free Clinician Guide to help with your clients

Free Reflection Guide to Understand your own grief