Initial Reaction: When Life Is No Longer as It Was

Initial Reaction: When Life Is No Longer as It Was

Grief doesn't wait for us to be ready.

Sometimes a loss arrives suddenly and unmistakably. Other times, what has been lost becomes clear slowly: a diagnosis changes what we imagined for the future, a relationship becomes something we no longer recognize, a hoped-for possibility disappears, or we realize that something has changed long before we had language for what it meant.

 

Initial Reaction is the TMGL space in which a loss becomes known, recognized, or felt.

And there is no single emotional response that belongs here.

It might look like shock.

It might feel like intense pain that seems to consume everything around it.

It might be anger, fear, confusion, disbelief, relief, numbness—or several seemingly contradictory feelings arriving together.

It can also look surprisingly ordinary.

Someone may answer emails. Go to work. Pick children up from school. Make dinner. Laugh at something funny. Take care of everyone around them.

None of those behaviors tell us how deeply a loss is affecting someone.

One person we interviewed described the reaction to her nephew's death as an active drowning. Another person may experience something much quieter.

Neither response is a more accurate version of grief.

That's important because our expectations often become loud in this space.

Shouldn't I be crying?

Why can't I stop crying?

Why am I angry?

Why do I feel relieved?

Why am I functioning so well?

Why can't I function at all?

We may compare our reactions with what we've seen in movies, what our families taught us, what other people experienced, or what we imagined grief would feel like before it became ours.

But Initial Reaction isn't defined by a particular feeling.

It is defined by a changed reality.

Something is different now.

And sometimes the body recognizes that before words can make sense of it. Sleep may change. Appetite may change. Concentration may disappear. The nervous system may feel activated or strangely quiet. Familiar routines can suddenly require effort.

At other times, very little may appear to change on the outside.

People also sometimes need to set grief aside temporarily in order to function.

That isn't automatically avoidance.

There are children who still need breakfast. Jobs that still require attention. Decisions that have to be made. Funerals to arrange. Paperwork to complete. Families to care for. Sometimes we compartmentalize because life continues to make demands even when something significant has happened.

The important question isn't whether your Initial Reaction looks like someone else's.

It is whether you can begin to notice what your reaction is telling you about the meaning of this loss for you.

If someone you love is in this space and isn't responding the way you expected, resist the urge to decide what their grief should look like.

And if you are the person wondering why your own reaction doesn't resemble the grief you expected to have, you don't need to manufacture a different one.

Your reaction belongs to =our experience.

Griefly Speaking: A Reflective Workbook to Understand How Grief and Loss Shape Your Life explores the factors that can help us understand why our responses to loss take the particular forms they do.

Free Clinician Guide to help with your clients

Free Reflection Guide to Understand your own grief