Sonya and I have a long history of working with clients experiencing grief and loss, and we have been studying grief reactions and responses, which will be shared in our book, “Reconceptualizing Grief: Developmental Considerations for Clients Experiencing Loss” (coming out soon!). We are working to acknowledge and help people see how grief permeates our lives, particularly around non-death losses – think of the loss that occurs when we change jobs, move, are unable to fulfill hopes and dreams, experience a breakup, shift our belief system, and much more. Two themes continue to come up in conversations with others: 1) we MUST acknowledge and name the grief that stems from non-death related losses, and 2) watch the language we use when exploring grief narratives. Both things can be addressed by creating spaces that welcome conversations around grief, which will also function to demystify and destigmatize grief.
Traditional grief literature focuses on death-losses, which are referred to as “primary losses.” Some literature will acknowledge losses that stem from the primary loss, such as financial hardship, change in identity and roles, and those losses are referred to as “secondary losses.” While these titles have been widely accepted in the literature, we are advocating for a shift from primary and secondary to honoring and acknowledging all losses. When people share parts of their story or journey with you, they will likely share losses like moves, career changes, friendships, intimate partnerships. We believe it is important to help people see that their thoughts, feelings, and emotions connected to those losses are grief responses. The way we experience life and loss shapes how we move forward.
The language we use is also quite powerful, and the meaning we attach to each loss important. Many of the common phrases we use to comfort those experiencing grief end up comforting the “comforter.” (Thanks to one of my mentors, Dr. Scott Wickman, for that phrase and for your willingness to process all things with me!). For example, “I am sorry for your loss” is a common phrase, and one I have used many times, when someone shares that a loved one is experiencing grief. Systemically, we also tend to lean into euphemisms to deliver messages that don’t sound or feel as harsh; however, there really is no softening the grief that one is experiencing when a loved one dies. Many times words are so inadequate, and we may be uncomfortable discussing the feelings of pain during times of grief and loss. However, having no words also feeds the stigma of grief-talk, almost as if there is no way to address it.
We want to show others support, but even with good intentions, saying “I am sorry for your loss” or “there are no words” can create unintended distance between you and the person grieving. So, what can you say instead?
We would like to encourage you to share an empathic response to bridge the distance and join alongside the person who is grieving. A couple of suggestions are to:
Replace “for” and consider using “with.” I am grieving with you, my heart aches with yours, I am here with you, are three phrases that can be significantly more powerful and comforting than a sympathetic, or overly used response.
You could wish one strength amidst the pain and sadness.
You could share that you are willing to talk about their grief and may even need to inform them that you can handle difficult and overwhelming emotional responses.
These three strategies may seem simple, but the effect can be quite vast. We hope you use these suggestions as guides through your own journey and lean into the grief that others are experiencing. Your empathy and willingness to travel alongside others, holding space for dialogue around grief, is what people will remember.